Happy Birthday!

July 1st was my birthday. I’m not usually very big on birthdays... especially my own. I think I try to play it down as it seems so anti-climactic most of the time. My husband on the other hand is always quite excited when my birthday comes around. 

He begins days ahead asking what it is that I would like to do and what I want to eat and where I would like to go. On my birthday he is also awake before I am so that he can say happy birthday first thing when my eyes open. He says happy birthday multiple times throughout the day... He makes my birthday special.

There was something more to this birthday that took me by surprise. I was kind of excited myself for the first time since I could remember. As I thought about why that would be I realized that my heart was full of expectation for the coming year. I do believe Papa God was sharing His excitement with me of what He feels on my birthday and what He’s got in mind for year 36 of my life.

As I pondered and asked what He’s excited about this is what I got: As I get older I want to be less worried about what others think of me and bolder to be Jesus in the lives of others. I want to risk and see through eyes of faith my part in the expanding Kingdom of God. I don’t want to live “safely” because that’s the “normal” thing to do. I don’t want to worry about tomorrow... I want God’s emergencies to be my emergencies. I don’t want to be afraid of suffering and pain. I don’t want my comfort zone to dictate where I live, what I do and how much I grow. I want to face each God-opportunity with courage and grace immersed in thankfulness. 

These are incredibly high goals and standards for me... impossible really. That’s how I know they are God’s will....I find hope in the verse Francis Chan used in a teaching I saw a couple of days ago: James 5:17 “Elijah was a man with a nature just like ours”... meaning there are no super-heros of the Faith that have the upper hand on being like Jesus, only those willing to live like He did... 

So, I join with my husband and Papa God in their excitement over my birthday to say with a humble heart, “Bring it on 36”! Jesus is worth it!

Lenten Season 2011 - Faith

My brother-in-law on my husband's side is here visiting from Brazil. It's been good to have him in our home. We played Wii Party. It was some guess-what-someone-else-in-the-room-might-answer-to-a-specific-question type game. When it was my turn, both my husband and my brother-in-law guessed pretty perfectly the answers that I would had chosen. My thought, "Am I that predictable?". It even came up in the game banter that I am "rational". It's true, I won't deny it and for all the other "rational" or logical people out there, can I get a "hey yeah!"?

For us "rationals" sometimes faith can make all the sense in the world and sometimes none at all and sometimes seem so far outside the scope of possible, helplessness can settle in, especially when trying to make "right" decisions or answer hard questions... "What am I to do?", "Where am I to go?", "How am I to serve?" "Will things get better?", "Will I be healthy again?" Granted, I know it's not just for those that are rational, everyone struggles with believing something that cannot seen... but for those of us that struggle with over-thinking, faith is just... hard sometimes.

I was reading in my devotional the other day and the text was about faith (actually faith has been popping up quite a bit lately and I try to take notice as God might be trying to teach me something) this is what it said:

"Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason—a life of knowing Him who calls us to go. Faith is rooted in the knowledge of a Person, and one of the biggest traps we fall into is the belief that if we have faith, God will surely lead us to success in the world." (My Utmost for His Highest)

I love it when my human rationality is trumped by God's simple Truth that while utterly supernatural makes so much sense! It's so easy to say, "Yes, I believe." and then try to find the formula for what it takes to believe... as though there was a 12-step program to follow and at the end you'll be free to believe completely. There isn't and it just doesn't work that way.

Faith is as delicate and vital as relationship. Faith serves one purpose, to bring us into intimate relationship with God himself, everything else: questions, answers, miracles, direction, fulfillment, success or not is mere consequence.

I'm thankful for the reminder that I don't need to muster faith, produce belief or drown in analyzing situations, in feeble attempts to lead my own life... I just need to focus on knowing and loving the One who knows all, sees all and who wants to lead me... it's so logical!

Lenten Season 2011 - The Past is in the Past

You don't need to look very far to see that the world is making history in the times that we live in. From civilian and military uprisings to governmental collapses, flooding and earthquakes we are experiencing monumental events at break neck speed.

But, as I reflect on the past few days in conversation with others it never ceases to amaze me how much time we spend living in the past. Ever heard the phrase, "the past is in the past"? I have. Many times. I'm sure I've even said it in an attempt to encourage someone to move on and embrace their future. It's difficult to live sometimes, don't you agree? The replay of events, conversations, situations that have maimed, stolen and fed lies to us is most difficult to turn off.

It makes me wonder... what if Jesus lived in the past? Now... I'm not trying to be irreverent and I know that time isn't an issue with and eternal God... but humor me for a second and place all of those things that we know about Jesus and the time, "up and to the right", as a wise friend of mine would say.

Can you imagine, Jesus living the past? Jesus is God... He leaves His throne and glory to come to fallen Earth. The place and those He created together with the Father and Spirit in loving community to emulate His character and reflect His goodness has been poisoned and perverted by sin and is now is in need of savior.

So here He comes! From His heavenly home where everyone knows exactly who He is to an unknown stable, as a helpless baby in a small town, destined to suffer the pain of people telling Him that He wasn't who He said He was, constantly question His gifts and talents, stripping Him of His rights, betrayal and ultimately a criminal's death.

Yes, we know the story doesn't end there... He conquers it ALL and claims His rightful place through His resurrection. He doesn't succumb to the apparent defeat in death! Through His triumph He makes a way for us to share in His eternal victory! He is all that He said He was and more!! He wins! Ha!

But what if Jesus lived in the past? What if He played victim to His unfortunate circumstances? What kind of hope could be offered to those who have suffered in their lifetime? Those rejected? Those abandoned? Those unjustly judged? Those abused? Those betrayed? Those stripped? I'm sure on some level and at some point we can all relate. But the TRUTH is... He didn't!

I'm convinced that part of the journey of becoming fully Christ's and fully me is stopping that replay. Jesus is the PERFECT example of how to live life in the midst of controversy and struggle and not lose who you are no matter what is being said or happening to you. So, that's what I'm going to do with His help. Stop the replay. Stop being afraid of what others might think. Stop questioning who He has made me to be and believe that He ALWAYS knows what is best and has great plans for me as a person and for those things He wants me to be a part of. So be it for all of us!

Lenten Season 2011 - The Invitation

Well, writing once a week was wishful thinking! That idea flew out the window along with 2010! My last entry was in December, 2009! We'll jump over and land in March of 2011... perhaps at some point I'll share the story that is 2010, but not right now.

Right now, I'm more interested in Lent. In this season more so than in any other Lenten season or anytime in the last year, for that matter, I feel a beckoning to "come back", to remember, to purge, to identify with Christ, to be less mine and more His.

I can sense the powerful invitation He's making. I don't know how He does it... call out in the midst of the haze, be Light in the midst of the fog, a reference point in the midst of the maze, finding me in my sometimes apathetic lifestyle, as if you were just meandering, looking down at the ground as you shuffled along and then all of a sudden you can sense, see, hear something drawing you in and you are compelled to respond, even when you don't know how.

It's almost as if the very ignorance of not knowing how to respond feeds the desperation and gives greater hunger to the desire to respond to Him, to seek Him out, to know Him more. He's saying He wants to be found and is making the invitation very plain and the desire of His heart tangible. Ultimately, far from cliché, that desire is relationship.

So, as part of giving somethings up and taking on some disciplines for Lent, I will write some personally pertinent ideas in my Lenten journey here. I'm praying for breakthrough, to be fully Christ's and fully me. To identify with Christ in His freedom, passion, joy, compassion, confidence and power but also walk the road of knowing His pain and suffering to a greater extent - the two go hand in hand. I can't do one without the other. I can no longer not know, it's time to grow up a little bit more, learn my Shepherds voice for real, embrace perfect love and let go of the fear of, "what it might mean to really know Him" (meaning what it will cost me).

Part of that process is to identify, acknowledge, confess, repent, ask for forgiveness and for mercy for those areas of my life which have yet to be surrendered and then, surrender them. It occurred to me that sometimes it is more convenient to resolve to defeat than to surrender as though it were a worthy excuse for not answering the invitation being made. It's not... it's laziness, apathy, fear... however you want to label it, it's not healthy and not getting me anywhere in fulfilling the dreams Papa God has had for me since the beginning.

So enough! I heard the phrase last week, "Your focus needs more focus" (from the new Karate Kid movie... not a bad movie by the way). So true! So may this Lenten season be just that... answering the call, RSVPing my presence to the encounter and growing up to be more and more like my "Big Brother" Jesus with the power of Holy Spirit to help me surrender it all.

He Holds On, He Holds In, He Holds Together

Hello! I have not written in a long time. It’s been a crazy season and to be honest I’ve not felt much like writing... Over the past two months I suffered my first car accident in 18 years of driving. I wasn’t badly hurt but it was scary (it wasn’t my fault :)... the church that Paulo and I were a part of merged into another church which then led to the loss of my job (am currently looking for a new one). Not to mention the continued grieving of the passing of my father-in-law and many other situations and circumstances that arise with trying to live daily for Christ. It’s been quite a roller coaster ride of a year. I'm sure you can relate - Life is never boring.

Despite all that has been going on, today I feel particularly inspired to write. Why today? Today marks the 13th year of the “loss” of someone very near and dear to my heart. It was a decision of my own making - you see, 13 years ago today I placed my 3 month old son for adoption. It was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was not a rash decision nor one that I took or take lightly. I knew in my heart that God had spoken to me about doing what was best for my son. I had and continue to have Divine resolve within my spirit that I did exactly what I should have and that my decision pleased God and was the very best for my beloved.

But today I relive that day - getting him ready to leave - the drive to the meeting place - the awkward silence after the small talk had died down and then that moment when I knew... “it’s time”. I vividly remember walking towards his adoptive mother placing my baby in her arms... looking into my child’s face, saying “good-bye and I love you”, turning my “face like flint” towards the door knowing that if I looked back I might just fall apart. I remember (and can still feel) the numbing pain that overtook me - body, soul and spirit as I walked down the hallway. I can still hear my mother and father’s voices as they rushed to say “good-bye” and followed me out to the car.

Letting go of our “beloved” no matter who or what it is - is never easy. That moment of "resolve" in our hearts to “let go” is identifiable to those that have suffered great loss... when you know “it’s time” and numbing pain rushes in... you know it’s numbing because your heart is quaking and if it wasn’t numbing you might just burst into a million pieces.

But God... I love that... “But God”... He is the gracious Intervener! He gave me such a clear picture today of what happens when we suffer “heartquakes” whether we’re shaking from the inside out or from the outside in... He holds on... He holds in... He holds together. That’s what He did for me 13 years ago and continues to do today by his infinite mercy and grace. He reaffirms and reassures us that when we “let go” out of love and obedience that we are not just carelessly tossing our “beloved” into the black abyss of nothingness... we release our “beloved” into the trustworthy hands and care of the Father that are holding on, holding in and holding together.

This is not something that I share lightly nor is it common knowledge to everyone that knows me - but it is part of my story and I share it without apology, for there is a common thread that can be found in all of our stories at one point or another. We will suffer loss, we will have to “let go” of someone or something beloved sometime and there is hope... But God... He holds on, He holds in and He holds together. I give glory and thanks to Him today - the One who holds my head high.

But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. Psalm 3:3

More of the Already and Less of the Not Yet

A little over a month ago I went to a Vineyard "Discussion on Women in Ministry & Leadership" Event. Bert Waggoner was there as well as Rich Nathan, Steve Robbins and a woman named Diane who pastors a Vineyard Church. They all had insightful things to say in favor of women in leadership with biblical backing and Kingdom minded perspective. It was great although, it continues to frustrate me that this is still an issue - but that's another subject for another time.

During our discussion Bert Waggoner said something that struck me hard. It was basically this "As Kingdom minded people we want to desire more of the already and less of the not yet" When this was spoken there was about 50 other people in the room but it resonated so deeply in my spirit that I wanted to jump up and with all my might shout at the top of my lungs, “YES! THAT’S IT!” I didn’t though... for fear that I might be escorted out for crazy behavior :)

In this context we were speaking of the restoration of women's identity through the reconciliation that Jesus brought when He came to earth and bridged us to His Kingdom - which is a true message of hope for women but this phrase goes so far beyond that! It seeps into every facet of life - who we are and who we are not yet, what we do and what we don't do yet, how we respond and how we do not respond yet, what we desire and what we do not yet desire. It infiltrates what's going "right" in life and what's not going "so right". It binds us to a promise!

It’s not a phrase we hear everyday, so we might ask, what does it mean to desire more of the already and less of the not yet? It means to want but also take hold of what has been promised and accomplished through the Kingdom of God coming to earth that is already here operating amongst us but knowing that we still don’t see It in Its’ entirety. It’s a difficult tension to live in, isn’t it?! This tension of why some are healed and some are not. Why disaster and tragedy plague some and not others. Why famine, flood and other natural catastrophes do not distinguish between the "good" and "bad", killing innocence... we could list slavery and disease here... the list goes on and on...

But there’s hope! The amazing promise that binds us with the "already" - Jesus proclaimed it, "The Kingdom of God is here!" The place where His rule and reign, His governance and the attributes of His Kingdom are supreme. A place that doesn't tolerate the "not yets" of life such as sickness, tragedy and sadness. God in His grace and love has allowed us glimpses of that which has already been accomplished.

It's easy to miss these glimpses sometimes because they are not always the "hit you upside the head" type situations where you go - "Oh yeah! That was so God!" As it would be in the case of women in leadership or putting an end to slavery of all types or a miraculous healing. Most of the time they are subtle yet substantial places where we feel safe in risk, peace in trouble, home in a strange land.

I know I see the "already" when I get to share life with those around me whether it is in a supermarket (when the "not yet" of my timidity doesn't get the better of me) or around a table with friends. I catch glimpses of the "already" when I'm gathered with brothers and sisters together in worship or when it's just simply Him and I. In the rain or in the beautiful fall weather - in the pictures of my niece Lyla who's so far away as well as in tangibleness of the love of my husband.

Many times these "alreadys" go unnoticed, chalked up to "it's just the way life is" but if we stopped to recognize them as places where the presence of God meets us, maybe small, but precious indications that God’s Kingdom - His rule and His reign is here in our midst - I do believe it would cause a revolution - we would desire more of It but also to BE more of It to others around us - expressions of God's very own love, grace and acceptance - His "alreadys" and not "not yets".

So, as my brother Neil would ask, "What do we say to that?" My response is a lifestyle of worship (you had to know that was coming if you know me :), a lifestyle that beckons the “already” to infiltrate the “not yet” with power and presence. That allows the rule and reign of His governance to overthrow all that doesn’t please Him. That captures our hearts and is contagious to all that we meet. A life poured out, yearning for the "already" to transform us - knowing that in the same way Jesus brought evidence of the Kingdom at work, we are commissioned with the same call - to bring the "already" to the "not yet" here, now.

What's Your $0.02 Worth?

Well, here it is! My first official "non-test" post. For my first post I thought I would talk about this blog itself. I've thought about blogging many times. I journal quite a bit and thought perhaps it would be cool to have an open forum of thoughts - I love "picking people's brains" so why not put my thoughts out there for people? I would then quickly think to myself, "Yeah, but what do I have to say, that's not already been said before?"

What God has been tirelessly trying to show me (I will get it eventually :) is how much of a dangerous thought something like that is... here is why - it's a lie. If I truly believe that all people as individuals bring something unique to the table because of who they are created to be - because of their "-ness" - then EVERYONE has something to say and should be expressing that through their gifts and talents.

Humor me while I briefly explain... for example, I have a "Greta-ness" you have a "You-ness" - everyone has a "-ness" (no I didn't get that from a movie) the reason is - no one was "brought up" the same way I was, not even my 4 younger brothers, nor have the exact same experiences that I had or have today, no one sees things the exact same way that I do because they don't have the same personality (it's a good thing... we don't want another Greta running around... could be dangerous :) no one creates the way that I do - even if someone has the same gifts mix that I have they won't express themselves the same way because we don't share the exact same circumstances of life - you see? We're all uniquely different and because of our differences we have valuable contributions to make to the lives of others - glimpses of God's wonderful multi-faceted character and personality - so different and yet so relate-able.

If we choose not to invest our contribution believing that we have nothing new to offer than we cheat each other of the very thing that should bring us together to form a much more beautiful picture of what God has created us for - relationship with Himself and with others.

So here it is... my first blog... may it contribute in some way as an investment to support and cultivate the "big picture" as well as encourage and inspire you and I - that our $0.02 is worth so much more than we think!

Feel free to respond, comment and share! The more the merrier!

In His Grip...