Hello! I have not written in a long time. It’s been a crazy season and to be honest I’ve not felt much like writing... Over the past two months I suffered my first car accident in 18 years of driving. I wasn’t badly hurt but it was scary (it wasn’t my fault :)... the church that Paulo and I were a part of merged into another church which then led to the loss of my job (am currently looking for a new one). Not to mention the continued grieving of the passing of my father-in-law and many other situations and circumstances that arise with trying to live daily for Christ. It’s been quite a roller coaster ride of a year. I'm sure you can relate - Life is never boring.
Despite all that has been going on, today I feel particularly inspired to write. Why today? Today marks the 13th year of the “loss” of someone very near and dear to my heart. It was a decision of my own making - you see, 13 years ago today I placed my 3 month old son for adoption. It was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was not a rash decision nor one that I took or take lightly. I knew in my heart that God had spoken to me about doing what was best for my son. I had and continue to have Divine resolve within my spirit that I did exactly what I should have and that my decision pleased God and was the very best for my beloved.
But today I relive that day - getting him ready to leave - the drive to the meeting place - the awkward silence after the small talk had died down and then that moment when I knew... “it’s time”. I vividly remember walking towards his adoptive mother placing my baby in her arms... looking into my child’s face, saying “good-bye and I love you”, turning my “face like flint” towards the door knowing that if I looked back I might just fall apart. I remember (and can still feel) the numbing pain that overtook me - body, soul and spirit as I walked down the hallway. I can still hear my mother and father’s voices as they rushed to say “good-bye” and followed me out to the car.
Letting go of our “beloved” no matter who or what it is - is never easy. That moment of "resolve" in our hearts to “let go” is identifiable to those that have suffered great loss... when you know “it’s time” and numbing pain rushes in... you know it’s numbing because your heart is quaking and if it wasn’t numbing you might just burst into a million pieces.
But God... I love that... “But God”... He is the gracious Intervener! He gave me such a clear picture today of what happens when we suffer “heartquakes” whether we’re shaking from the inside out or from the outside in... He holds on... He holds in... He holds together. That’s what He did for me 13 years ago and continues to do today by his infinite mercy and grace. He reaffirms and reassures us that when we “let go” out of love and obedience that we are not just carelessly tossing our “beloved” into the black abyss of nothingness... we release our “beloved” into the trustworthy hands and care of the Father that are holding on, holding in and holding together.
This is not something that I share lightly nor is it common knowledge to everyone that knows me - but it is part of my story and I share it without apology, for there is a common thread that can be found in all of our stories at one point or another. We will suffer loss, we will have to “let go” of someone or something beloved sometime and there is hope... But God... He holds on, He holds in and He holds together. I give glory and thanks to Him today - the One who holds my head high.
But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. Psalm 3:3
